mad dogs and englishmen

[tony]

The Beforemath

People stare at you. And some shake there heads. But most give you a pityfull smile......... However you should see what happens once you have painted your Montego ! Yes its that time of year when old bangers are allowed one last truimphant thrashing before visiting the scrapyard as a guest not a vistor. All this started for myself three
years ago with an inch of coloum space in CCW and a web address, but led to quite a social gathering of car nuts the length and breadth of the country. A cruise round europe in a well enjoyed VW microbus (they were still old vans then...) with some friendly nudging and a few beers in good company.
That event (and the one the following year) were the famous poor mans Gumballs - the staples2naples run. But for a change of scenery this year the ship was jumped to the BarcelonaBangers guys, for a more sedate (mileage not drinking that is !) run to Spain via the Pyrenese mountains, I think......

[tony]

So the humble chariot, the weapon of choice, the housewives favourite was sourced; and originally it was Japenese the smallest product from FUJI heavy Industries ~ BUT ~ we bottled it. A 3 cylinder Subaru Justy through the Alps would have probally been o.k. in 2005 but a few rash ebay clicks and eighty pounds got us a FIAT Tipo. A suprisingly sweet handling and spacious hatch, only let down by its continual brake fade. So that left us with the Justy still, except I leant it to an Inlaw and never got it back.... However armed with a cash payoff we went shopping again and found Jonah - Former pride of Tony, a S2N rally veteran no less !

Anyone who has seen Jonah in the flesh would know its "colourfull" history, mini cabbed to death I would hazzard a guess before becoming a cat "C" insurance write off, then preped for its european tour of France, Switzerland and Italy and back (where it was NOT nudged by a FIAT Tipo when no-one was looking....) before being a daily driver for Tony again. Bodily every panel had a dent, and rust of some sort even the roof - quite shocking for a 11 year old car - but everything worked and she went like a train (and smelled like one too saturday night travellers !) and most importantly tax and test. Not bad for a Hundred quid on the nose.....

[tony]

So the preperation for the rally, er well there wasn't much to be honest. If you cruise home from sheffield in the hottest July for ages, through a friday afternoon in the M25 roadworks, you normally know what to expect. So a trip to Halfrauds for oil and air filters and some pads, the borrowing of some oil from work, and a liberal WD40ing of anything and everything pretty much was as far servicing went; probally should have fitted the pads then though however.... Anyway a liberal valet (I reccomend CIF - for everthing inside AND out) and that was that until september bar a few trips to work. However on returning home from a run too work last week the new squeak from the front turned out to be a chewded front disc (its still there too) and "Wafer thin pads" on the drivers side so in they went. Now the real rally prep began - a liberal sanding of the body (use the first sandpaper you find in the shed for best results) followed by a good wash (car aswell....) and a quick dry off using a white spirted soaked poor mans chammy. Next everything was masked and on went the dusting of primer using half a dozen nearly empty odd coloured cans of spray primer, followed by the best bit - the trip to buy the paint. Rebuffing B&Q (only because the old bag mixing paint took it quite badly we were to paint another rally car "Flammingo fun 2") a trip to my local builders Merchant with the instructions "Sell me the worse lime green you can mix" got me a litre of Dulux "lime zest" and a lot of head shaking. then it started to rain this mean't I had to paint the car wearing a kagoule however the heavens cleared the kids joined in, the wife yelled at me (how was I to know they were new school shoes anyway) I yelled at the kids and with a bit of help from a mate too the beast was transformed !

[tony]

Fully painted and 2 night shifts later, the go faster modifications began - all functional too....
To the front the surplus paint can was transformed into a forced cold induction for the air filter, and too the rear extra downforce was created by bolting the top of a piano (seriously DONT ever try to break up a piano - youll be there all day and the noise - well it was like the BBC sound effects lab in my house.... but I digress) to the roof bars, followed by a "Mr Sheen". Compact Disc player fitted and finally the water cooled brakes were added - using a T piece off the rear washer hose and a couple of holes (easy to find anywhere on a montego) in the inner wings to spray the calipers !

Next week I'll let you know if we made Dover let alone Barcelona - will Jonah return ? or will she be given a "damm good thrashing" Basil Fawlty style, to be continued.......

all words from andrew elphick

[tony]

now with pics
http://www.maestro.org.uk/pp_gallery/showgallery.php?cat=557

[tony]

Thursday afternoon and we were ready for the off - myself, my co-pilot and brother-in-law Doug, behind in the convoy the freshly striped up (10 minutes before we left...) MGF of Tony. (Whose "Essexboys" transit had eaten its clutch the day before and was going nowhere.) I would like to give you some Smokey and the Bandit style tale of ramming the Dartford tunnel barriers and the car chase across the docks at Dover, but we just got there quietly and borded the ferry. After a pleasnt crossing using the Norfolk Line and a little run from Dunkirk to cite d'europe, on arrival to the hotel we noticed the scrapyard feel to the car park.... the pink Jaguar, orange Cavailer and possibly the only Escort cabriolet fitted with bullbars..... and the fairly busy hotel bar ! Teams from Brighton to Paisly were there with there chariots and mischevious grins, counting the hours until nine the next morning...

[tony]

Come the daylight a few more cars had surfaced, about 20 in all, vying for the off. Now up to two Jags with a fully union jacked "Shaguar", Accord, Volvo's, Thunderbird Two'd Sierra estate, a beautifully airbrushed Bluebird, XM, 205, Safrane, Espace, "Gut-Busters" ZX, Capri, and a rather special Renault 5 or more correctly, a 2 1/2 ! Driving from the back seat and missing 3 feet from the middle the little 5 had allready driven from Gurensy to England before hitting the channel again to get to France ! So with a little nudging for postion and a wheelspin start we were off, if only to get Diesel. It was while filling up we stumbled on the two shady charactors crusing round in the "Goldie lookin' Acclaim" who owned up they were lost and had missed the start, so once filled in with the details we were off. The days challenge entailed photographing as many churches as possible on your way to Nantes. We did start this challenge, it was just a few hours later it transpired the sat-nav (possibly still on loan from a previous rally.....) was going pretty close to the La-Sarthe region, so if crusing across france in a british racing (lime) green Montego what would you do ? Of course drag its smokey hulk down the Mulsane straight for a lap of Le-Mans ! Starting at Tetre rouge, er in the stella bar, for a cruise at upto 80mph with curb hugging too as far round as we could get (the porsche curves) before driving round to the circuit main gates. Using our best delboy french (Mange tout Rodders) we were through the gate and down to the grandstands for a few shots before the cruise to Nantes. A pleasant run only interupted by the collosal traffic jam that the "Norfolk 'n' Chance" team swore had nothing to do with their 360 steaming away.... On the daylight arrival at the hotel we learn't the Bluebird had swollowed its gearbox, and the Thunderbird Sierra had suffered a major terminal engine failure as well. So after some gossiping we went to the bar.......

[tony]

Now I dont smoke, but it smelt like I had been trapped in the Phillip Morris tobaco labs when I awoke, but it transpired getting in at 1 o'clock was nothing compared to Rich in the safrane whose team mates confined had got in at 7 having woken up in a shop doorway covered in, ahem, a "Techniclour yawn" to speak of.... Todays run was to Toulouse with the challenge list of sights to photograph on-route. Selecting non peage on the sat nav we were off to a good start until my co-driver performed a pretty immpresive emergency stop and ran out the car pointing and shouting a lot, to which I noticed what appeared to be a spider (except the bloody size of it) on the rear view mirror ! Trying to remove it the hairy little so and so ran off for ever.... into the headling - so now you know why there allways sagging in Montegos ! The trouble was this inpromptue stop was making the front right caliper squeal a bit, well a lot, and stink just a little so some investigation was needed. The problem (according to my co-pilot) was though I had replaced the pads, I should have probally given the calipers a good scrub too but we both had the feeling it was probally somthing else at play really. (Like his driving - my "roll" count = 0, his = 2 ! but to be fair I have the stainless knees...) Once cured a fantastic cruise across Bordeaux on what were really quite roads and a superb 4 course 10 euro lunch in Bellac, meant a pleasant afternoon it was just a shame the fields of sunflowers were on the turn. Even a little drifting in the shagged shocks Montego too, catching up to the Capri (which was loaded to the gunwalls but had a real 80's boy racer feel to it) and over taking it, then getting lost, then taking it again rounded off a pleasant day as we pulled into Toulouse. Setling down for a street front supper with a bottle of Rose' (which surely should have been intended as a industrial coolant) we all caught up in the Irish bar for some more tall tales, and to disover all the cars were still running.

[tony]

Today was a tad different - convoy time ! Leaving Toulouse to meet up in the services, a motely crew of heaps cruised to Andora in what turned out to be a live action wacky races with all the teams passing each other, then dropping back, then passing just like the cartoon ! And it stayed like this too, until we noticed we had lost a chunk of the field suddenly - a few calls later confirmed three cars were sick. First the all electric talking Safrane had shut up and shut down, from limp home to dead to full power, but it was running again. The Capri was cooking, so with a bit of 2x4 wedged under the bonnet and the bonnet ratched down for six inch gap for cooling, it was running. FInally the Espace was getting a little warm as well so a touch more drastic action was taken and the bonnet removed entirely ! Anyway everyone caught up for a few more miles, but the safrane was having none of it (even when poor Jonah the Montego tried pushing her from behind) so quickly emptied and with a dozen man uphill struggle, it rolled to its final resting place on the side of the mountain just before the principality's border. A quick border dash and then lunch and fuel (a euro a litre for the clean pump and 80 cents for the dirty pump) before setting off down the mountain. Except we had seemed to have gained somthing.... brown.... with straw in it... now maybe just maybe a horse had climbed up there but we still have our doubts ! So faced with half a ton of best fertilizer on the bonnet what do you do ? Well drive off obviously and hope it falls off, except these ponies must have been chewing "No More Nails" because this was going nowhere, well unless you count the air vents.... So I can genuinely say upon switching the air vents on that the "S**t did indeed hit the fan !" Even the rear seat passengers from the Safrane commeted (inbetween swearing profusely of course) how good the Montego air flow was. A gentle cruise through the few towns that are in Andora did spring a few suprises, especially as we had no handbrake (it used to stick on and now didn't even do this) and the front caliper was sticking again the brake smell even over powering the dung. This is where it went a touch wrong for Steve the Safrane hitcher. You see during a good dousing of the brakes and a 10 minute cool down, the bonnet was popped to check the fluid where upon our steaming bonnet fixture slid off - on to the wipers.... now allegedlly Doug my co-pilot (who is family after all) never knew Steves rear window was wound right down when he flicked the wipers - at 30 mph - causing the laws of aerodynamics to suck about a buckets worth of ponie poo through his open window ! Anyway we only had an Hour before we got to the hotel. Now if you think the congestion charge is high you should check out spanish toll roads, were even the booth operators wear balaclavas ! (I swear we were paying a euro a mile.)
Catching up with everyone for the final night festivites (mental note for Mark the organiser - never hold your presentation by the pool !) and swapping stories it was clear that every one had a great time with quite a pleasant social feel to the proceedings. After voting for the winners - each team picked who they thought should win it, a brilliant idear - the results were annouced : In third place Mark in the Capri with the never say die attitude, in second the lunatics in the Caviler the "Alconeers" and the winners Ian, Graham and Nigel in the union jacked "Shaguar". All a popular choice (and how we voted too) and all in the pool !
Now at this point a few cars were slighty adjusted and to be fair when asked if we minded a little playing, the reply should have been "no were driving home" not "try your best"..... but retrospect is a wonderfull thing and a Montego is a bloody tough old thing - the rear quarter impact was no problem, possibly a slighty bent rear leg, but the consequential hitting of a tree and a lampost too meant circumstance changed a little. So climbing in through the boot because the central locking would only open that entrance, and starting up first time the montego reversed. Now this was immpressive, the crowd of banger pilots jumping the vee'd bonnet flat, yanking the bumper free and arch out so the leak free (must have been Tonys "free floating rad" secured with nothing that helped !) the Montego quite happily cruised to its final resting place, driving no different than before, only the drivers window wouldn't move, probally because the door went in a foot... Straight off offers of cars flooded in from other teams, except the Alconners who were staging a man hunt for Henry who had just killed there cavalier (by putting a 2 foot vee in the boot....) so figuring something free from a Scotsman is not to be sniffed at a deal was done.
The next morning we remberered that we had out of a field of discreet simple cars agreed to take on a citroen XM - a car which in retrospect was a liability new let alone thrashed to spain, auto and electric everything, even the suspension still worked (at that point.) So with a twenty euro charity donation and a scottish pound note we had a car again even if it did have "Barcelona Bravehearts" down the side, a giant scots flag on the bonnet and a pair of giant red lips.....

[tony]

Well loaded up and finding the XM was a great motor (except for the lack of speedo) we fired up the sat nav, this time avoiding all peage's and trundled back into Andora where we had a lovely dinner and a seventeen gallon fill up in the XM. However the French customs officials saw it differently..... admittedly two english men in a car they bought for twenty euros the day before with a scots flag on it, that had cruised to Spain for one night did appear a little bit shifty..... so it was probally best they stripped it and our luggage. Then questioned us (why did he decide I was the drug mule !). Then got the sniffer Dog out and in the car. Then put it back in again. Anyway after an hour and a half and a quick flick through the camera pictures they decided we really were a couple of wallies after all and wished us a pleasant time in france ! Relieved we thanked them, and cruised past the stricken safrane. Doug driving and me using the sat nav for pace notes. Now you would think a big automatic car would be a tad slow on the twisty bits but boy was she flying, in all when we stopped in Brive at three in the morning the old beast had covered over 500 miles, but to be fair she was smelling a little hot and there were some crazy messages on the dash display, so we all had a well deserved rest.

[tony]

That morning we went down to the carpark expecting the worse - but there was nothing, no leaks, no warnings, no noise and it all worked (except the speedo of course!) So I fired her up and off we went quite happily. Eventually all the old noises returned but with a quick hypermarket alchol stop she got us to Dunkirk for the ferry that evening, another 500 miles or more it relaxed comfort, the pair of us taking a real shine to the french beast, just as we had the Montego (RIP). Of course customs searched us at Dover (In which they knew EXACTLY what had happened at Andora) before we cruised home - you really can't beat your own bed.
So conclusions - well apart from the return leg which we didn't need to pan out quite like that, we had a great trip and Jonah the Montego (why did we buy a car called Jonah....) did us proud having exactly the viking burial it would have wanted ! The driving was just far enough each day, and the scenery (especially through Bordeaux) was superb. Thanks to every one involved from Mark the organsier and his gang, to the other ralliers driving and especialy the Bravehearts Rajib, Mark and Kevin for the transport home. We had a great time and would reccomend the rally wholeheartedly if you fancy a good weekend. Try link www.barcelonabangers.co.uk for more details.

Oh and by the way, anybody want a buy a citroen XM - never raced but well rallied !

many thanks to andrew elphick for words and photos.