joke page

[tony]

this is now our club joke page, any good ones may be put in the club mag you never know,try to keep them clean.
right young boy talking to his mother and asking,what happens to all the old cars when the break and no one wants them ,the mother replys someone sells them to your dad.
ha ha :laugh:

[Beaker]

This was emailed to me the other day


The other day I was cruising along as usual in my BMW coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?)

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW.

[malcsmaesty]

What do you call a ford focus with a sunroof?


A skip.

[bandycat]

OI!!!!!!
I've got a Lada Samara!!!!!!! Now that's a skip!!!
( but it does run better than a Focus)

[malcsmaesty]

Originally posted by bandycat
OI!!!!!!
I've got a Lada Samara!!!!!!! Now that's a skip!!!
( but it does run better than a Focus)
That goes without saying!:D

[bandycat]

To err is human,
to own a Focus is just damn stupid!!!!:p

[malcsmaesty]

Originally posted by bandycat
To err is human,
to own a Focus is just damn stupid!!!!:p
to own a focus should be an arrestable offence! ;)

[bandycat]

It is in Dorset... you're not allowed to herd sheep at less than 40 mph either

[tony]

:( i think that the focus looks ok:( i even like that shake your ass car ,cannot remmeber what it is

[malcsmaesty]

Back to the jokes,

[tony]

mini skip:p

[malcsmaesty]

About £35-£40 to hire!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[malcsmaesty]

Here's the midi,

[malcsmaesty]

Better do the maxi aswell............:rolleyes:

[topgear]

Excellent, a joke page is a smashing idea! Well done Tony!!! Below is a copy of a letter that an angry customer sent to NTL! A lesson to be learnt i feel! Hope you find it as amusing as i did!

____


Dear Cretins,
> >
> > I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
> > 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three
> > month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
> > previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
> > monolithic proportions.
> > Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
> > your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or
> > more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
> > material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
> > vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
> > My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting
> > in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
> > technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57
> > minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
> > annoying
> > Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website... how? I
> > alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles
> > for
> > a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
> > highly adept.
> > The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
> > although
> > the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
> > drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
> > arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone
> > calls
> > over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had
> > requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of
> > your
> > internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between
> > about
> > 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over
> > the
> > weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.
> > I have made nine telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this
> > week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
> > individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have
> > been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will, call
> > me
> > back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
> > back),
> > that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
> > line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to
> > someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and, then
> > been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is
> > closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
> > telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating
> > Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.
> > Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
> > thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
> > those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
> > care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
> > print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
> > Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were ****, that they
> > had
> > attained the holy ****-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one,
> > anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
> > obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose
> > NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I
> > therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
> > disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are
> > sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum: incompetents of the highest
> > order.
> > British Telecom - ******s though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
> > of
> > success in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
> > inadequacy.
> > Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest
> > to
> > receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and
> > cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
> > services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
> > deliver.
> > Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -
> > although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
> > perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
> > I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
> > tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and
> > your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
> > desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
> > posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
> > experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
> > very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
> > Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
> > irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,
> >
> > Yours psychotically,

[topgear]

These young ppl today! :)

[topgear]

some people will go to any lengths for that perfect picture!

[tony]

love the ntl letter,must have took forever to type all that ,is that a real letter,he does not seem happy:)

[topgear]

yeh, apparently its a real letter! Smashin' isnt it? Perhaps i should write one regarding the poor shape of my wheelbarrow!?!?!

[topgear]

Right, off to France then?

[bandycat]

Cheers topgear,,, if you read my biography you will see that I'm an NTL engineer,, really needed that publicity!!!! thanx m8!!!

by the way it was real and we've seen worse

[topgear]

oooops, sorry mate!...

[bandycat]

No probs,,, how about this?

[topgear]

hehe, excellent! :) :) :)

What about these?

[topgear]

:)

[malcsmaesty]

Viva le eurostar!
i have to say this,in the late 80's we had a family hol to spain and every day without fail my dad would eat squid from the local market it was absolutely MINGING!
Anyway i apologise that this is a bit long winded but here are a set of extracts from actual (apparently)letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the uk.
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob.
2 I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in his back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son keeps banging his balls against my fence.
4. Iwish to report tiles missing from the outside toilet roof,i think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. My toilet seat is cracked,where do i stand?
6. will you please send someone round to mend the garden path.My wife tripped and now is pregnant,we are getting married in september and would like it in the garden before we move in.
7. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
8. Will you please send a man to look at my water,it is a funny colour nand not fit to drink.
9. Please send someone to look at my spout, i am a pensioner and i need it badly.
10. I am complaining about the farmer,every morning at 5 am his cock wakes me up and it's getting to much for me.
11. The man next door has a large erection in the garden,it is unsightly and dangerous.
12. Our kitchen floor is damp.We have 2 children and would like a third,please send someone round to do something about it.
13. Please send someone with the right tool for the job and satisfy my wife.
14.My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
15. And he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and i can't take anymore.
16. That is his excuse for dogs mess that i find hard to swallow.

[topgear]

hehe, FANTASTIC!!!

Heres a joke i was sent via e-mail.. i get a lot, so be warned!
--


>A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
>went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred
>horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
>
>When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
>the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go the other.
>
>The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
>one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
>urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their
>pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding onto
>their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
>
>As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually Well
>endowed.
>
>Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in
>the 5th."
>
>"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th,
>but thanks for the lift."

[bandycat]

my montego (not!!!!!!)

[malcsmaesty]

Third world taxi driver?:rolleyes:

[malcsmaesty]

Boy goes to his dad and asks,"Dad, whats that thing between the milkmans horses legs?"
Dad say's "Theres lots of names for that thing son, cock,tool,hampton,the lists quite endless,why do you ask?"
Boy replies,"I asked my mom but she said it was nothing."
Dad replies,"Well your mother has been spoilt over the years...."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[topgear]

Thats what i call a car!!! Where did u get that pic from?

[topgear]

hehehe, Fantastic!!! I think there'll be lots more like that on its way very shortly!!!

[bandycat]

Thats exactly what it's like around here!!!

[tony]

thats a bit below the belt:eek:

[Austin-Rover]

Another one...


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At COMDEX recently, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You would have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.




:cool:

[bandycat]

thought this might tickle you

[malcsmaesty]

Here's one for the blondes....

[bandycat]

Tikrit phone box

[tony]

from essex?

[topgear]

its in the sand!!! :)

[bandycat]

I think we are all agreed on this

[malcsmaesty]

Plastic fantastic!

[topgear]

original one!

[Austin-Rover]

Just shows how handy the Yellow Pages can be in any circumstances!

[malcsmaesty]

Mmmmmmm.....tasty?

[malcsmaesty]

Sorry,wrong one it was meant to be....hpoe this is the right one..

[malcsmaesty]

I can't spell either....

[e692wtt]

What's 15 feet long and stinks of ****? OAPs doing the Conga...

The other other Rich.
:laugh:

[tony]

your in your element here arent you malc,keep them comming

[topgear]

Smashin' Pop Picking-Tastic!

[malcsmaesty]

Ok heres just one more.......:rolleyes:

[bandycat]

BMW again

[e692wtt]

Here's one for a Sunday. Never taught me this particular lesson at sunday school...:laugh:

The other other Rich.

[malcsmaesty]

Must drink less........;)

[bandycat]

Iraqi taxi

[bandycat]

Redneck car alarm!!!

[malcsmaesty]

Fave breakfast cereal in the states.....:)

[bandycat]

Iraqi parking attendant

[malcsmaesty]

I feel so strongly about the grafitti in toilets that i signed a partition...........;)

[D87 SMW]

Bin Laden on the run:

http://www.gseis.ucla.edu/faculty/kellner/ed270/pictures/bin-laden-on-the-run.jpg

[malcsmaesty]

Chechen taxi

[D87 SMW]

:laugh: Good one...

[D87 SMW]

Hmm...

http://www.maestro.org.uk/temp/binquiz.jpg

[tony]

come on lads we need them cleaner that this

[D87 SMW]

This any better?

http://cn.yimg.com/sp/20021107/dayoo/jokes-20021107-1700-1s.jpg

[e692wtt]

Steve (can I call you this at last???), where do you dredge all these from? Like the Bin Laden one...

A Copper goes into a school to preach on the errors of drinking alcohol... "After 5 cans you'll fell a bit dizzy, after 10 cans you'll feel quite odd, after 15 cans you'll feel quite ill and after 20 cans you'll wonder where you're at. After 25 cans, you'll be dead!"

"Oh" says the halfwit on the back row "so that's why they sell cans in packs of 24 then!".

Well, it's polite...

The other other Rich.:laugh:

[D87 SMW]

Originally posted by e692wtt
Where do you dredge all these from?

A little search engine called Google (www.google.co.uk) ;) :)

Thanks for blanking out the language on my Bin Laden image, I don't have the software to do it myself.

[topgear]

i felt left out, so... heres my 2p worth!

[D87 SMW]

Osama Bean Laden:

F170 GGT has attached this image:
http://www.asianjoke.com/pix/images/beanladen.jpg

[D87 SMW]

F170 GGT has attached this image:

[D87 SMW]

F170 GGT has attached this image:

[topgear]

ahah, its Alan Partridge!!!

[D87 SMW]

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-2

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
A: Turkey.

[tony]

The Americans sent a man into space only to discover his pen would not work in space(no gravity you see) so congress went to the U.S senate to get a 20million dollers research grant spent 10 years devolping an alternative to the pen after various trials 15 years in the making they succeded in their tasks,the russians just used a pencil

[topgear]

Proud to be British?

Very proud to be British..
Because...
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
Since 1999 101 people have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!

[topgear]

The following is not meant to be serious whatsoever, it is merely a sarcastic view on things and not meant to be real. Most of it is pure rubbish anyway.. Its meant for amusement value only! Please enjoy! --

Blue rinse a speciality, welcome to: Lee On Solent!

Lee on Solent was once a seaside town with an image, a town with pizzazz, a mini Blackpool, which even had its own swimming Pool just a short paddle away from the sea shore, it was a place where everyone wanted to go on their summer holidays. Not anymore it seems!
In the Lee on Solent of the millennium you may as well be dead, and increasingly it seems most of its residents are! As you enter the town, village, whatever it is these days, you notice the change of car ownership, it switches from fast, upbeat, metallic painted vehicles, to small four wheeled buggies dotted around carrying a member of the blue rinse brigade to their weekly pension collection point, or small Hyundai cars with the trademark “over 65” panama hat & tweed jacket levitating on the parcel shelf and of course that all important disabled badge.
There also seem to be strange and different rules when it comes to parking, a rule which perhaps suggests when reverse parking in the high street you must block up both lanes of traffic for at least 10 minutes whilst you reverse, misjudge, pull out, misjudge, hit the car in front, misjudge, knock down a pedestrian or two on the pavement, pull out, bang into some sort of stationary object, pull out, and finally come to rest in a space where quite frankly, not one, not two, but THREE Double Decker busses could fit, with a gap of at least two feet between the car, and the curb. Meanwhile causing through traffic to swerve around you, whilst also trying to avoid the doddering gentle folk who seem to think they have priority over everything else when crossing the road. “its not pedestrianised you stupid fool!” is a phrase well recognised in this part of the world!
The local newsagents is a phenomena amongst corner shops all over the world, as it seems it’s the number one place to go if you want to buy your next, cut price, top of the range wizzo chair, with all the mod cons and features, such as, not being able to go faster than the pace of an ant, and taking up the most amount of space in the supermarket. Any other newsagent would sell adverts for cars, prams, books and other items most people would like to see in the tip, but not this one! None the less, its doing a marvellous service to the community.
In days gone by the most talked about subject in this town would have been the sand, the sea, and…! These days, it centres on the price of wigs and hair colourants, and who’s died this week?
Of course, it isn’t all death in this town, and I am so sorry for making you think that for a while back there, nursing homes and mental asylums are also the “in” place to be carted off to of late! During a 15 minute visit to the high street, I saw one confused woman walk up and down, 6 times muttering to her herself about roast potatoes! I mean, if you’re going to go mad, for god sake talk to yourself about something interesting! Really, the elderly of today!
Even the local travel agents are in toe with all the latest trends, and for just a few weeks worth of pension, there’s surely an ultimate holiday for any retired vicar or schoolteacher in the area who’ve lost their marbles and want to find them again.
In conclusion, this small part of our country, which finds itself nestling in the Southern tip in not so green grasses, is a place to go if you want to wallow in self-pity and have a tussle with a few waves, and think how much of an improvement it would be if the beach was actually a beach, and not a fly tipping area! If you go against my advice and do end up in this part of the world, for god sake, don’t mention FISH!

[D87 SMW]

Sorry, don't get that one.

[D87 SMW]

Wa-hey, I knew this moment would come!

F170 GGT has attached this image:

http://www.asianjoke.com/pix/images/microsoftgame.jpg

[Maria]

Sorry, that last one was a bit too close to the line, so I snipped it.

[D87 SMW]

Sorry, Maria, it wasn't agood one was it?

[D87 SMW]

I'll try again with these ones...

[D87 SMW]

and again...

[tony]

now i am guessing but you dont love afghanistan or mr o.b.l ,
or is it just me?

[D87 SMW]

Or Saddam Houssein! :laugh:

[tony]

is there anyone else on your hit list



























.

[topgear]

Tont Blair?

[tony]

Originally posted by topgear
Tont Blair?
thats not a joke .its a bad dream

[topgear]

hehe, your perfectly right there! :banghead:

Heres a joke to try and forget about the man with the grin and his ugly ducking wife:

--
David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and
dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked,
puffing and panting.

Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"

Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"

"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance".

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999.

However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.

"What's the matter, son?" asks Becks.

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles
Brooklyn.

Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the
wardrobe
door.
Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.

"You w*nker Giggsy" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there
having a bloody heart attack, and you're running around naked
scaring
Brooklyn."
:laugh:

[D87 SMW]

BUSH HAS TEA WITH THE QUEEN

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

[D87 SMW]

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get scr*wed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

[Wonko_The_Sane]

What do you call a blonde up a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager.

What is the definition of Artificial Intelligence?
A blonde in a dark wig.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever.

I could go on, but I'm a blond myself and I'd feel a need to slap myself round the mush..:laugh:

[topgear]

and you thought the jokes had stopped?

[Firefly]

we did wonder if it had dried up!!!!


here's an oldie 4 u



a man goes into a pub an orders a drink, after 3 he takes a photo out of his pocket and looks at it, then he orders another drink, this goes on 4 a couple of hours and eventually the barman looks at him and asks y he keeps looking at the pic. Well says the man,it's a pic of my wife, and when she looks beautiful i know its time 2 go home!!

[malcsmaesty]

GIVE US THE MONEY OR THE MUTT IS PANCAKE!!

[malcsmaesty]

looks like no-one paid up......

[bandycat]

Originally posted by malcsmaesty
looks like no-one paid up......
looks like you have the same sense of humour as me m8

[malcsmaesty]

too right,
here's another....:)

[tony]

glad to see the joke page has got its 2nd wind now:)

[malcsmaesty]

i found this quite amusing....sorry it's a swear word!

[malcsmaesty]

this is what'll happen if mine plays up again..:D

[tony]

i like the ford one ,now we know where they are comming from

[D87 SMW]

Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Always Upside-down, Double Interest
Another Understated Dealer Incentive

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Bavarian Manure Wagon
Biggest Metal Waste
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Big Money Wasted
Bring Money Where?
Buy More Women

FIAT
Found In A Trashcan
Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation
Failure In Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
Fix It Another Time

FORD

Fancy Oil Recycling Device
Found On Rubbish Dump
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Depreciation
Found On Rubbish Dump
Here's a good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
Here's another good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Relies On Family
Firestone Overstates Reliability Data
First On Recall Day
Fast On Race Day
For Off Road Driving
Fireball On Rear Damage
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Flip Over, Read Directions

NISSAN
Need I Say Something About Nothing

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Very Overpriced Lame Vehicle Options

VW
Virtually Worthless
Very Old Lowered Kinky Sedan With A Great Engine Noise
Volks Who?

[malcsmaesty]

nice one steve!
:laugh:

[tony]

and ford takes it by a long way
my wife on bmw=bloody minded w**kers

[tony]

or bmw=black mans wheels

[D87 SMW]

Originally posted by malcsmaesty
nice one steve!
:laugh:

Thanks.

[malcsmaesty]

BMW: BETRAYED MIDLAND WORKERS...sorry should that be put on a political thread? meow

[D87 SMW]

:laugh:

[D87 SMW]

Where's that image?

[D87 SMW]

When (and if) buying a Ford beware of the following:

Two tone paint work - Original color and rust.

One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything.

10,000 trouble-free miles - Crashed in the last 20 feet.

Heated rear window - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.

Very clean - Only washed if and when it rains.

Lady owner - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.

Clean interior - All the rubbish is under the floormats.

Immobilizer - The gear shift comes off in your hand.

Anti-theft device - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.

Drives beautifully - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place.

Low mileage - The odometer is on its third time around.

Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week.

Economical - Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.

[D87 SMW]

From a news website:

SIGHTINGS WANTED
The police at Newcastle request any sightings of a dk.blue or black Austin Maestro saloon reg.no.G 205 UNA and its occupants. They are believed to be involved in distraction burglaries in the area. If challenged they usually say that they want some water for their car.

[D87 SMW]

What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
You hear about them all the time, but you never see one.

[D87 SMW]

Here are the 50 steps you probably don't want to follow when changing your oil. This IS hilarious though!

1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Drink Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 19.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink Beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 32.
34. Begin cussing fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 24.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over.
48. Fail field sobriety test, get arrested for D.U.I.
49. Car gets impounded.
50. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

[D87 SMW]

Ten Commands for the Car Collector
(with honor to the Bible's ten)

Thou shalt not store thy cars out of doors, except for thy wife's modern iron.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car, nor his pole barn, floor jack, air compressor, or service manual collection.
Thou shalt not love thy cars more than equally of thy wife and children.
Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible for you to continue thy car payments.
Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Willys, nor his Pacer, nor even his rusty Cadillac; lest temptation befall you, and you end up owning them.
Thou shalt not allow thy sons or thy daughters to get married or have children during the high hallowed days of Hershey.
Thou shalt not deceive thy esteemed wife into thinking that thou art taking her for a romatic Sunday drive when, behold! thou art really going to gaze upon another olden car.
Thou shalt not imprudently tell thy spouse the expected cost of thy next total restoration, but thou shalt break it to her gently over a period of years.
Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition to your abode and then use it to store car parts; for it is unclean. Thou shalt use instead your new oversized attic.
Thou shalt not buy thy spouse a new floor jack for Christmas; for it is winter. A 100,000 btu salamander heater showeth consideration for her comfort

[tony]

Originally posted by F170 GGT
Here are the 50 steps you probably don't want to follow when changing your oil. This IS hilarious though!

1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Drink Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 19.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink Beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 32.
34. Begin cussing fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 24.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over.
48. Fail field sobriety test, get arrested for D.U.I.
49. Car gets impounded.
50. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
this would make a good snake and ladders game

[D87 SMW]

Originally posted by tony
this would make a good snake and ladders game

You didn't have to quote that one you know!!!

[tony]

sorry :(

[D87 SMW]

Originally posted by tony
sorry :(

No prob, we'll get ten pages out of this thread yet!

[tony]

we are running out of funnys now

[Austin-Rover]

Another...

[Austin-Rover]

...

[Austin-Rover]

Anyone else like Gary Larson's work?

[Austin-Rover]

Excerpts from a Dog & Cat diary.

Enjoy...

:laugh:

The Dog

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

The Cat

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on
their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I
was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning
foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my
teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to
be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is
assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time..

[malcsmaesty]

Originally posted by RDGelder
Anyone else like Gary Larson's work?
good,very dry humour....
this is for all of you who like to spoil & pamper your cat...

[malcsmaesty]

whoops forgot image...........

[tony]

Originally posted by RDGelder
Anyone else like Gary Larson's work?
yes me like any more?

[Austin-Rover]

"Hello, .... and welcome to the mental health hotline........

*If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
*If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
*If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
*If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.
*If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship.
*If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
*If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
*If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
*If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
*If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
*If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
*If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
*If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
*If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
*If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up

[malcsmaesty]

top banana!!!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[tony]

i am a 3,4,5and 6 brill joke

[malcsmaesty]

i think i am either an 8 or a 9 can't remember:confused:

[tony]

how do u confuse a ford owner,tell him there is two spades and he has to take his pick.

[malcsmaesty]

no offence ladies.......:rolleyes:

[Austin-Rover]

Perhaps she is multi-tasking?

:rolleyes:

[e692wtt]

I like Garry Larson's work... in one of his books there is an example of the Newspaper that carries his work 'mixing up captions' - quite entertaining...

The other other Rich.:laugh:

[Firefly]

we like him 2!
i've got tales from the far side and we also have the televised 1's on video.1 of my faves is the 1 with the young slug holding the salt and his mother saying "how many times have i yold u not 2 run through the house with that!"
excellent!!:D :D :D

[Firefly]

i've finally thought of a joke clean enough 2 b posted on here!


2 bats fly off at dusk 2 hunt.
when the second 1 comes back,his face is covered in blood. the first 1 says what happened 2 u?
the 2nd 1 says 'see that tree over there? the 1st 1 says 'yes'
and the 2nd 1 says 'well i flippin' didn't!!!'

[tony]

Originally posted by RDGelder
Perhaps she is multi-tasking?

:rolleyes:
wow thats a big mouse

[E_T_V]

Two fish are in a tank,
One says to the other
How'd you drive this thing.

Ok I'm sorry, ridicule me now.

[Firefly]

A horse walks into a bar ....
the barman says why the long face????????


a man runs into a bar and says quick give me a double whiskey before the trouble starts, so the barman gives him a drink with a questioning look, this happens three more times before the barman says what trouble?????
the bloke says "I've got no money mate" (I'm sorry I know it's lame Steve)

[Beaker]

Mummy tomato, daddy tomato and baby tomato all walking down the road.

Baby tomato is lagging behind so daddy tomato turns behind and pats baby tomato on the head.

Saying "ketchup"

[Firefly]

two cows in a field
1 says moo!
the other says oi! i was going 2 say that!!!!

[tony]

bill and ben the flower pot men, are walking home from the pub, bill says flob-a-lob,ben says your pi-s again

[bandycat]

bill and ben r in the bath, ben says flob-a-lob-a-loba-lob
bill says if that stinks i'm going 2 hit u!!

[malcsmaesty]

why did the hedgehog cross the road?


he was stapled to the chicken.

[tony]

theres a new lesure center in wales is a sheep tied to lampost

[bandycat]

SUE here.......

right i wasn't going 2 subject u 2 this 1 but youv'e pushed me 2 the realms of awfulness plus we're off 2morrow so i don;t care.....

2 boys walk past a field of cows.
the 1st boy says 'look at that bunch of cows.'
the 2nd boy says 'herd of cows'.
the 1st boy says 'of course i've heard of cows,i'm not stupid!'
the 2nd boy says'no,cow herd.'
and the 1st boy says'i don't care what the cows heard, i have no secrets from them!!!!':D :laugh: :laugh:


i warned u it was awful!

[bandycat]

she is from Portsmouth!!!!!!!


Steve

[bandycat]

he has just been hit!!!! SUE

[bandycat]

OW!!!!!!!!!!!:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[tony]

Originally posted by bandycat
she is from Portsmouth!!!!!!!


Steve
u married her ,and she could do so much better:eek:

[malcsmaesty]

sorry sue,that was bad!(hope u have finished the packing!!)barrel,bottom and scraping spring 2 mind!
;) lol
steve did u get ur pm?

[bandycat]

SUE
i can't help it i'm not allowed 2 put dirty 1's on!!!!!!

[D87 SMW]

:cool: :laugh:

[tony]

just goes to show,out of every van theres a sports car trying to get out:)

[Firefly]

yo! tony! where did u get 2 last nite???

[tony]

my computer is a woman,it broke down, on a reguarly basis,and then as a double whammy got draged shopping got on about 10 for a hour ,just got on now at 10pm need more hours in a day ,or less sleep!!

[Firefly]

i know what u mean,ours keeps locking up especially if you're trying 2 listen 2 music,it sticks like l.p's do!!!

[tony]

but i am back and i am bad:)

[topgear]

Somehow i think not! :rolleyes:

[topgear]

"WE HAVE MEAT HERE IN ZE NUILDING!" << guess where this line is from?!?

[D87 SMW]

Originally posted by topgear
"WE HAVE MEAT HERE IN ZE NUILDING!" << guess where this line is from?!?

Hummmm, Fawlty Towers, the Germans Episode?
How about this one - "Aah, you're German! I'm sorry I thought there was something wrong with you!" :laugh:

[D87 SMW]

Originally posted by Firefly
i know what u mean,ours keeps locking up especially if you're trying 2 listen 2 music,it sticks like l.p's do!!!

My computer is lightning fast today, even while playing music (you know what music that is...) on Kazaa. Each window opens twice as fast now, and songs start playing quicker than usual too.
I can't believe how much faster it is today compared with yesterday. :) :laugh:

[Alan the Vanner]

Here's a joke for you.
Three cross-eyed blokes were up in court and the Judge happens to be cross-eyed too (Well, you know how it is!) The Judge turns to the first bloke and says, "How do you plead?"
The second bloke says, "Not guily, your honour".
The Judge turns to the second bloke and says, "I wasn't talking to you!"
The third bloke says, "I never said a word!"

Oh well....!

[Firefly]

right u blokes have asked 4 this......


how many men does it take 2 screw in a lightbulb???
6 1 to screw it in and the other 5 to brag about it!

[Firefly]

what did the girl say to the arrogant man??
is it in??:D ;) :p

[tony]

knock knock.....

[Firefly]

oh come on!!
i thought they were funny!
u guys just don't like being the butt of it do u??
they r no different 2 blonde jokes!!!!

[D87 SMW]

Originally posted by Firefly
oh come on!!
i thought they were funny!
u guys just don't like being the butt of it do u??
they r no different 2 blonde jokes!!!!

There are more blonde jokes that male jokes...

[tony]

ok ok how many blonds does it take to screw in a light bulb?

[tony]

whats a light bulb?

[Firefly]

Originally posted by F170 GGT
There are more blonde jokes that male jokes...
do u want a bet steve? i've got 191 pages of them!!

[tony]

as long as the collars and cuffs match what does it matter,by ann(tony,s wife)

[Firefly]

hi ann,how's u??

[Firefly]

i've got a good 1 4 u....
2 brothers start work in a sawmill and they have been there 4an hour when jim shouts out in pain.'aagh! matt,matt, i've cut my finger off!!'
matt rushes over and says 'oh god! how did u do that?'
'i just touched this wheel here like this and... s*** there goes another 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'


HA HA HA BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!1:D :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[tony]

Originally posted by Firefly
hi ann,how's u??
i am fine but i dont like montegos ,find me a nice sd1 or tr7

[Firefly]

its funny u say sdi because i've found 1 down the road from us it is blue and grey. havn't seen 1 4 ages.
i must admit i never liked montego's but since we've got this 1 i have 2 say i'm happy with it. mind u, i'm not sure whether its the car, or the fact that the kids have all got their own seats now so they don't argue!!

[tony]

hi i too have 7 seats, but mine still argue over who is sitting in the boot. i want a 2l sd1 in terroso red. auto of course, he will not go and buy me one. or alternatavley a nice tr7 auto not convertable just basic. no voice chip like his it's worse than listerning to a nagging man all the time.

[Firefly]

we don't have arguments because the girls r 2young 2 sit in the boot
plus they know better than 2 annoy steve when he's been dragged out of bed 2 take them 2school!!!

it was difficult before we got the montego though, my mother in law was taking them 2 school,and she's got a fiesta! that used 2 start arguments.

[Firefly]

TONY u horrible person,go and buy ann an sdi!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D :D

[tony]

i am the man here, he thinks! i need more support off all of you, sd1 is a much better car after all, hey guys!

[Firefly]

right lets post a poll and c what we can do ok?

[tony]

as i was saying i am the man here,sorry guys will not let her near the computer again,not going to get support for a sd1 on the maestro+montego page ,we should have a poll on wheather she should have one or not,good job its on the joke page.

[Firefly]

u want 2 b careful m8! u may b the man there, but its women who run the house,deal with the kids,cook and clean...i would go on but i think u get my drift!

[Firefly]

i've got a good 1..
doctor,doctor,can u come round and c my wife as soon as possible?
she is so ill,i had 2 carry her downstairs 2 make my dinner!!!!

typical bloke!!!!!

[Firefly]

heres the last 1 4 now...


2 nurses were climbing through a window into the nurses home after a night on the town.
'this makes me feel like a burglar' whispered 1
'and me', whispered the other.'but where would we get a burglar at this time of night??'

[tony]

i think the sink is full

[Firefly]

ok ok i said i'd leave it 4 a while!!!!

[Firefly]

what about this 1 then???

[e692wtt]

Very good!:laugh:

Much of Gloucester is build on an old Roman Fort, we should be glad that Fred West's houses there weren't built on a Roman Burial Ground... OK, we could just about comprehend the Police finding 1000 bodies - but 500 horses as well!?!:rolleyes:

Fred West had regular parties, and he had members of the local Police Force attending as guests as well. One time the beer ran out. "It's ok," said Fred, "I've got some Boddies and Tennants in the cellar".

It's been a long day...

The other other Rich.
:laugh:

[Firefly]

yes that was awful...
this is in the wrong place i know.. but did u get the film about ted bundy??
i was looking through the older topics and re-read what u said about the moors murderers,i'm not up 2 speed with it myself,and bandycat(steve) isn't 2 interested in them.(he got sick and tired of hearing about them.)
did u know that crippens mistress,ethel le neve lived in bournemouth?? there is a restaurant (quite good,i must admit!)that she used 2 own here.(it was a tea room back then.):eek:

[topgear]

harsh!

[Firefly]

you probably know it,topgear,if you know christchurch?
its now called 'the crooked beam restaurant'?

[D87 SMW]

Q: How do you double the value of a Ford?
A: Put gas in it.

Q: How is a golf ball different from a Ford?
A: You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

Q: Why are there footpaths beside streets?
A: So Ford owners have a safe place to walk home.

Q: Why is New Zealand so far in debt?
A: Jenny Shipley gets chauffered in a Ford.

Q: How much wood could a Ford ute haul if a Ford ute could haul wood?
A: As much as the Holden ute towing it.

If one or more of these is true, unfortunately, you are driving a Ford...

You look in your rear-view mirror to see two people with their hands on your tailgate.
You constantly receive sympathy cards from the Department of Transportation.
When you are walking across the parking lot, you see a priest performing last rights on your car.
While stopped at traffic lights, other motorists offer to help push to get you started again.
You have preferred customer status at Appco Auto Parts.
You have to stop along side the road at least once a day to pick up parts that have fallen off.
You leave your keys in the ignition and a $20 bill on the dash for gas money in hopes that someone will steal your car.
When you drive though town, people stop what they are doing and just start laughing.
People try to hire you to bring your truck to their house to fog for mosquitos.
In place of a spare tire, you find a pair of running shoes.

A blonde and a Burnette are watching the 6 o'clock news, which is showing a man about to leap to his death off a building. The brunette says, "I'll bet you $50 he jumps"

"Okay," says the blonde, "you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps. As the blonde is counting out her money to give to the brunette, the brunette says, "I'm sorry, I can't take your money, I watched the 5 o'clock news already and say him jump"

"no, no," says the blonde. "A bet is a bet. I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he'd jump again"

[Firefly]

how about this,then???
(frightening thing is, the facial expression reminds me of my sister!)

[malcsmaesty]

sue,
i hope your not an identical twin!;) lol:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
sorry,i'll slap my own wrists now:rolleyes:

[tony]

he he

[Firefly]

oiiiiittt!!!!!:laugh: :laugh:
no,she is younger than me,and swears the gypsies left her on the doorstep!!:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[malcsmaesty]

if the photo is anything to go by she's probably right!!!!lol;) :) ;) :) :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Firefly]

yes i agree!! its not the whole face,just the eyes andgeneral expression! mind u,her email and msn name is 'allicat' and she used 2 have the morals of 1!!!!!:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[malcsmaesty]

sounds like brummie girls in general,i should know;) :laugh:
so many women so little time............sorry that should read......one woman so little spare time:eek:

[Firefly]

yes m8......
well, i am going 2 bed cos steve is waiting 4 me, he's had his chinese and his horlics so i'm off. goodnight c u 2morrow

[tony]

sue empty your pm

[Beaker]

For those of us who speak the Queen's English

Firefly's post should have read

Yes mate!

Well, I am going to bed now because Steve is waiting for me, he has had his chinese and horlicks so i am now off. Goodnight see you tomorrow.






(Sorry firefly, only teasing!)

[malcsmaesty]

could not have put it better myself!!:laugh:

[Firefly]

alright then friends, i apologise for the abbreviated words last night. i forgot i was not using private messages and it was late, i was tired, and hay fever was blurring my vision so i could not see properly. sorry!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Firefly]

going back to the proper subject(!)
how about this,then?

[bandycat]

Originally posted by malcsmaesty
sue,
i hope your not an identical twin!;) lol:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
sorry,i'll slap my own wrists now:rolleyes:

No mate Sue's worse!!!!:laugh:

[D87 SMW]

Nice advert on the Classifieds page here:

MONTEGO SPARES For Sale
Scrapping 1.6L Saloon. Pulsar Silver. Rear doors and fuel filler pipe are unusually good. Most other parts are available and priced to sell. No silly e-mails from con artists in Nigeria please.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[e692wtt]

Firefly, I've not got the Bundy film out yet. Will try over the weekend, if I can find my Blockbusters card (next to the pub I'm going to tonight - the shop not the card...).

Can't think of any other jokes at the mo - I think I dredged my worst ones up in my last post re Fred West...

The other other Rich.:laugh:

[Firefly]

yes, i think you should have buried that 1!!
i'm sorry if you thought i was keeping on about the film, but it is worth watching.
i have got loads of jokes, but i'm keeping them to myself, as they are all womens jokes, and i don't want to upset anymore ego's!!!

how about this???

[D87 SMW]

:laugh: :laugh: :cool: :laugh: :laugh:

[e692wtt]

No, I'll be honest, I'd forgotten about the film - I'm a bit preoccupied about moving house at the moment.

One of Fred West's parties, there were loads of fellas but only a couple of ladies. "Don't worry, I'll go and dig up some women from somewhere!" he says...:laugh:

Joking apart, the prison joke when Fred West was on remand was other prisoners shouting "Build us a patio Fred!"...:laugh:

Hopefully will hire the Bundy Film 2nite - my mate hasa got a Blockbusters card!!!

The other other Rich.:)

[Firefly]

ok you've asked for it....
mind you i agree with this one.........
the marriage counsellor turned to the couple and asked,
'are your relations pleasant?'
the wife replies 'mine are, but his are awful!':laugh: :laugh:

[Alan the Vanner]

Heh Heh, I just remembered this:
Going on a family weekend to Blackpool (back in'97 I think) we saw this written in the dirt on the shutters of a box van going around Birmingham:

"Well driven? Must be stolen!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Firefly]

here's 1 my 11 year old told me...
what do you get if you cross a bear and a skunk?
winnie the pooh!

terrible eh?

[e692wtt]

Finally seen Ted Bundy (the film...) £10 from Blockbusters. Very good, bit of artistic license, but not very, errm, flattering, is it? How can so-called humanity produce something like this person?

Will watch it over and over, don't worry!

The other other Rich.:censored:

[Firefly]

yes, i agree,its a bit erm.. rough. shall we say??

i think we should,by now be able to spot the signs of it before its too late, and do something about it.
mind you, i think paedophiles should be hung, but we won't get started on that here,maria will probably tell me off!(again)

[Maria]

:rolleyes:

[e692wtt]

The thing with Capital Punishment is that innocent people are executed as well, but the US Government seems to think that such collateral damage is acceptable.

Now that is changing the direction of a thread!!!:laugh:

Re innocent people being executed, look at Stefan Kiszko (from Rochdale, Lancs, found guilty of murdering a young girl called Lesley Molseed, because evidence regarding his infertility was repressed and 'semen stains' were used in evidence), Judith Ward (found guilty of the M62 Hartshead Moor Bus Bombing in 1974, evidence of her innocence repressed) and Peter Sutcliffe (Yorkshire Ripper).

Now 2 of these 3 were released from Prison when the suppressed evidence was released years later, and evidence re Peter Sutcliffe was repressed as well. There is a book about the latter that states he was merely 'a copycat killer' which makes interesting reading, and other books make reference to details not always matching and missed opportunities, but bearing in mind that the same chap was in charge of all 3 investigations and two of these investigations have been ajudged 'miscarriages of justice' and people have doubts about the third...

And people still believe in Capital Punishment???:eek:

The other other Rich:censored: :censored: :censored:

[Firefly]

this is a subject that causes a lot of controversy,i know!
my point of view is that,in this day and age,with dna testing and all,the wrong person should not end up being hung.(of course, if the powers that be are corrupted then it won't work.)
if ian huntley (for instance) is found guilty of killing holly and jessica,then i think he should be hung!
we need to send out a powerful message to them,otherwise our children are the ones suffering!!
anyway,that's my soapbox done!!;)

[tony]

hi everbody some of these are mine some i found here goes
1,if a spy had a pen with invisible ink,how would he know when it runs out?

2,how do they get teflon to stick to a non stick pan?

3,why is abbreviation such a long word?

4,how does the man who drives the snowplough get to work?

5,why does the gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

6,if a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way to the core?

7,why can,t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

8,is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?

9,why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

do you want more?

[John S]

Nice jokes......


I'd better not find it funny....or I'll be jailed for manslaughter:laugh: (that's mansLAUGHTER)

Sorry, it's getting late:rolleyes:

[tony]

ok so no-one asked for more so here they are.

10,why is there a light in the fridge, but not in the frezer

11,why does mineral water that has trickled through the mountains for centuarys ,have a use by date on the bottle?

12,why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a crisp so that no-one would eat them.

13,Is french kissing in france,just called kissing.

14,what do people in china call there best plates.

15,who was the first person to look at a cow and say," i think ill squeeze on these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

16,if the proffesor on gilligans island can make a radio out of a coconut why cant he fix the hole in his boat?

17, if you blow in a dogs face it gets mad but when u take him out in the car, why does he like to put his head out of the window?


do you want any more:laugh:

[John S]

1.) Train was on fire so passengers were asked to alight.

2.) Q. What do you call a Skoda with seatbelts?
A. A rucksack.

3.) Q. Why do Ladas have rear heated windows?
A. So you can warm your hands while you're pushing them.

[tony]

i want to die like my dad,while i am asleep,not kicking and screaming like his passengers

[Firefly]

here's one i found on another forum....
a man starts work in a zoo, and he's given 3 tasks.

1st he has to clean out the tropical fish, so he's catching the fish to put them in a different tank,when one jumps up and bites him.
without thinking he hits it with a spade. 'oh no' he thinks. 'i'd better get rid of this fish or i will be sacked.' he looks around and sees the lions cage.he throws the fish in because he heard lions will eat anything.

his second task is to feed the monkeys.as he's feeding them,two of them snatch the food and pinch him. quick as a flash he hits them with his spade. then realising what he's done he throws them into the lions cage,because lions will eat anything.

his third task is to collect honey from the wild bees. as he does this, they sting him,and without thinking he swipes at them with his spade.then he throws them to the lions.

later that day, a new lion is put in the cage.
'hello', he says to the other lions.
'whats the food like here?'
'well', says one of the other lions. 'today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees'

[Simon]

What do elephants have for dinner?
An hour - just like the rest of the animals.

How do you make a bear cross?
Just nail two bears together.

What's got four legs and goes 'Shhhhhhhhhh'?
Rod Hull's telly.

Two TV aerials meet on a rooftop, fall in love and decide to get married. On the big day the ceremony was awful, but the reception was really good.

A man walks into the butcher's. 'Excuse me,'he asks, 'Have you got a sheep's head?'
'No' says the butcher. 'It's the way I brush my hair.'

A man runs into the fishmongers with a giant carp under his arm. 'Do you sell fishcakes?' he says to the shop owner.
'Of course we do,' comes the reply.
The customer breathes a sigh of relief. 'Thank God,' he says, gesturing to the fish. 'It's his birthday.'

[Firefly]

very good simon!

when is a car like a frog?
when its being 'towed'


why did the witch turn people into mickey mouse?
she kept having disney spells

why are elephants big,grey and wrinkly?
because if they were small,white and round they would be aspirins!

[Alan the Vanner]

Originally posted by bandycat
my montego (not!!!!!!)
Hmm, I remember Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond having a laugh at this on Top Gear. It looks a bit like my Uncle's XR3i!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Alan the Vanner]

Okay, so there was this bloke who suspected that his wife was having an affair, so he hired this Chinese private investigator to keep a watch on her. Nothing happened for a week until the investigator came back in a wheelchair! He had two black eyes, two broken legs and a broken arm. "What on earth happened?!" said the bloke. So the investigator explained:
"Me see she, me see he, got to very big hotel, room 333. Me no see. But, aha! Me climb very high tree outside room 333. Me see she and he in room 333. Me see he kiss she, me see she kiss he. Me see he undress she, me see she undress he. Me see he play with she, me see she play with he. Me play with me, me fall out of tree!"

[malcsmaesty]

middle aged woman walks into her living room naked,
her husband says "why on earth have you got no clothes on?"
the woman replies "this is my love dress darling,"
husband replies "well you had better go and iron it then!"

[malcsmaesty]

girl takes her dress to the dry cleaners and asks if it can be cleaned the same day,the man serving is slightly deaf and doesn't quite hear her properly,
"come again" he says
girl blushes and replies " no it's yoghurt this time":laugh:

[D87 SMW]

:laugh: :laugh: Cutting it a bit fine there, Malcsmaesty! :laugh:

They're good ones tho'!

[malcsmaesty]

what sort of shoes do frogs wear?




open toad sandals:giveup:

[malcsmaesty]

why don't polar bears eat penguins?




can't get the wrappers off:banghead: :shoot: :horror:

[Alan the Vanner]

This little kid goes into a fish and chip shop and says "oi! give us some chips!"
The bloke behind the counter says "Give us some chips? The youth of today have no manners! I tell you what, I'll teach you some manners." So the bloke puts this kid behind the counter and then walks out. He then comes back in again.
"Ah, what a lovely day it is out there" he says. The he goes up to the Counter and says: "I was wandering, could I trouble you for a portion of your delicious chips?"
The kid says: ":censored: off! You didn't give me any when I came in!":laugh:

[e692wtt]

This one quite tickled me...

[D87 SMW]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :toothy: Cracking!

[Firefly]

yes thats great!!

what about this one??

[Maria]

Reminds me of a sign at my old job:

"Please note, Claire Voyant and Crystal Ball no longer work in this department" :laugh:

[e692wtt]

Or the sign outside the Clairvoyant's tent at the fair:

Closed due to unforeseen circumstances


Anyone remember the ad for 'Topic' bars?

What has a hazelnut in every bite? Squirrel Sh :censored: t!

Thanks, Wendy, for that one.:laugh:

[tony]

ok my turn
whats brown and sticky











a stick

[Firefly]

that was awful!!!!!!
it should be classed as obscene and removed!!!!

[Maria]

What happens if you put a stick in a non-stick pan? :confused:

[D87 SMW]

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

-------------------------------------

A Woman's Plan

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! "

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"

------------------------------

Top Ten: Saddam Hussein's Romantic Tips

10. Splash on a little goat's blood.
9. Play romantic music to drown out the cries of tortured dissidents.

8. Shampoo and condition your mustache.

7. Don't be a cheapskate at the movies -- buy the large hummus!

6. Have a violinist brought over to your table and executed.

5. Show sensitive side by releasing her family from prison.

4. "Say it with toxic nerve agents"

3. Sit on porch swing and watch twinkling United State reconnaissance satellites.

2. Name a camel after her.

1. Ask if she wants to "inspect your biological weapon."

--------------------------

:eek: :laugh:

[malcsmaesty]

two souls are floating up to heaven,on their way they pass two
eagles perched on a rocky outcrop,as they pass the souls say
"ah..........eagles..."
but the eagles were far too polite to reply;) :rolleyes:

[Alan the Vanner]

I saw this sign in a toilet at a US airbase in Germany: "Our aim is to keep this WC clean. Your aim will help!"

[e692wtt]

Bloke walks into a pub, and sees the landlord's dog licking its 'bits' as they do...

Bloke says "Blimey, I wish I could do that!".

Landlord replies "If you bring him a bone he might let you".


I truly hang my head in shame...:o

[D87 SMW]

"The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have an sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?"

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours."

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad."

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral."

"There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and he’s now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, "Oh yeah, absolutely, you’ll live – until the Americans get here ... then you’re screwed."

"Saddam Hussein in his interview with Dan Rather said he would rather die than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we can agree on, he'd rather die and we'd rather kill him."

[malcsmaesty]

camilla parker-bowles is tearing around sandringham in her range rover,when she feels a small bump under the nearside front wheel. she gets out to see what has happened and is absolutely mortified to see that she has run over the queens prize corgi.
"oh god, she says,the queen will never accept me into the family now!"
she decides to bury the corgi and hope the queen thinks its run away,she opens the boot and takes out the conveniently placed spade and a blanket. on removing the blanket she notices some silverware that charles had recently purchased,it was very dusty and she tutted and blew one of the fancy items.there was a blinding flash and she was greeted by a genie.
"i will grant you only one wish" he said
"great" said camilla "bring this mutt back to life!"
"aaah.......i am unable to bring back the deceased" said the genie,
"think of something else"
camilla grinned "make me beautiful"
the genie replied "pass me the dog, im not a bl:censored: dy miracle worker":laugh: